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News ::
President Boooosh! "We Are In A Pickle"! (english)
19 Nov 2003
Satire: A tongue-in-cheek humorous look at the state of our nation with President Bush at the helm, being the Captain of the Ship, leading us all toward "globalization"

President Boooosh


President Boooosh.
We Are “In A Pickle”


By James Boyne

 Dear President

We are in a pickle!

I got my Allstate auto insurance
renewal in the mail. Times sure are a changin’.
Here’s the scoop. Allstate just
merged with United Healthcare so they said I would have to switch my health
insurance from Blue Cross to United Healthcare in order to be an Allstate
Advantaged Preferred Policyholder
I called my local Allstate agent
right up on the phone and a friendly, pleasant sounding young lady answered with
a slight accent. I asked where she was from and she said Bombay, India. I asked
how long she had been here in the U.S. She said she wasn’t in the U.S. She was
still in Bombay and that she just got this great job with Allstate/United
because of the Great American President, Mr. Booosh.
She said Allstate/United just
hired 10,000 administrative people in Bombay and that she makes 35 cents and
hour. “Wow”, I said, “How do you make ends meet?”. I said, “How do you
pay your rent”?.
She said there was not rent in
Bombay. Everyone lived in grass huts in the suburbs or just on the street.
“Way cool”. I said. “That sounds cozy”. “Kind of like perpetual spring
break”. She didn’t know what spring break was.
I asked her if she got good
benefits. And she said no. There is no such thing as benefits in Bombay, just 35
cents an hour and a nice calendar with a picture of Mr. Booosh on it. I
asked her what everyone did with no benefits if they got sick. She said that she
wasn’t allowed to get sick and if she did there were no doctors because all
the Indian and Pakistani doctors went to the U.S. to help Mr. Booosh and
vote for him and be Indian and Pakistani doctors and collect co-pays in America.
She said that there were no more
Indians in India or Pakistanis in Pakistan----that everyone was just a
Republican now----that President Boooosh wanted it that way.
I asked her about my new Allstate
policy. She said Allstate was now like an automobile HMO. She said to read my
new policy. I wished her luck. And read my new policy.
My new Allstate policy says that
I can only be covered if I also have health insurance with United Healthcare. It
also said that Allstate just merged with Sprint also, and it’s 
new name was Allstate United Sprint PCS. The policy said that I would get
a package instructing me on how to switch from AT&T (my present carrier) to
Also, Allstate would now only
insure me while driving on certain roads. I would only be insured while driving
on Allstates officially approved roads, mainly the Interstate roads. On
off-roads, which would be all State highways and local roads, I would need a
“special insurance rider” with a $10,000 deductible. The “special rider”
was flexible with a menu of selections (like health care insurance) so I could
select the roads I liked to travel on the most.
Also, the policy said that I
could insure my wife and children as long as they also had Sprint PCS. But they
could only be covered if they were riding in the digital area. If I got in an
accident with them in the car and we were all in an analog roaming area we
wouldn’t be covered except with a “special insurance rider”, called the
“Allstate Advantage Automobile Analog Roaming Rider for Special Customers”.
I signed up for it, just to be on the safe side.
The Allstate Policy said, since
they were an Automobile HMO that I would have to have bought my car at the new
network of Allstate Approved Advantage Auto Dealers. It said, if I purchased a
new car I could go through Allstate, through United, or through Sprint PCS, or I
could elect to be in the PPO and go out of network for my automobile needs. Of
course, if I went out of network and just bought  a car at my local Ford dealer, I may have to pay a “maximum
out of pocket” over the sticker price, adjusted for the exchange rate
differential between the U.S. and India. She said I may have to appeal it if my
claim was denied. And that if my car had a pre-existing condition that it could
be a total exclusion. All cars had to go through the “gatekeeper”, and may
be subject to a “second opinion”.
I asked her if we were still
talking about cars, and she said, “yes, cars are just like people now. It’s
all the same”. I told her I was a senior citizen. She said that I would be
entitle to free medications for my car, like anti-freeze, and free oil, and
brake fluid, but I would have to pay a co-pay. She said I’d need a
prescription for it, since anti-freeze was now a controlled drug since it could
kill you if you took too much. I asked her about oil. She said to read the label
and not to take too much oil, (that is, don’t put too much oil in the car) or
it will have adverse side affects. Brake fluid she wasn’t sure about but it
was still being sold “over the counter”.
I asked her about OxyContin. She
said I would have to talk to the Manager-Special Operations whose name was Rush
Limbaugh about that. She assured me that I could drive if I drank a quart of
Vodka but I better not take any OxyContin. I asked her about smoking. She said
smoking was fine, and that everyone in India and Pakistan that is still alive
smokes three packs a day. She said in India that Sprint/Allstate/United
Heathcare encourages people to smoke, drink, drive fast and recklessly, gamble,
get divorced, sky dive, bungee cord jump, become a mercenary and fight in
Afghanistan, and eat a diet rich in fat, so that they will die young and not
suffer, so that no claims have to be paid. It keeps things simple. And CEO’s
in America can make big money and President Boooosh says it will trickle
down in the trickle down theory.
Everything seemed to be making
sense, I think.
I called Allstate again. A
pleasant sounding young man answered with a slight Chinese accent. I asked him
how long he had been in the U.S. He said that he wasn’t in the U.S. He was in
Zyandong Province in Mongolia, next to China. He said, “Mr. Booosh is a
good man. He make lot’s of jobs for people in Zyandong Province”. He said,
“everyone in Zyandong make big money, 50 cent and hour, Mr. Booosh, he
a good man.”
I decided to take a break from
the phone and go get the mail. In the mail was a notice from my employer, asking
me to report to Human Resources on Monday, or I could log on at
I had a sinking feeling in my chest.
I turned on the TV and Mr.
Booosh, I mean President Bush, was speaking at some place in the pouring
rain, wearing a baseball cap and a leather jacket. He said he was all for work,
and work was good, and he himself liked work, and working people were good,
decent people, even if they were out of work, and that he would go get the
workers, and “smoke ‘em out and bring ‘em ta justice”. And Mr. Booosh,
I mean President Bush, said that “everyone deserved ta work, dead or alive”,
and he said “work can run, but it can’t hide”. He said, “we will win
this war on workers (I think he meant to say terrorists) no matter how long it
takes”. He said he liked work so much that he was going to his ranch in
Crawford, Texas and take a month off in order to work.
And he said the Iraqi people were
happy now. That we made ‘em happy cause we freed ‘em and gave ‘em freedom
and now they can work. (On the other news channel they showed 5,000 Iraqis all
fired up shouting “Death to America”, “Death to the Occupiers”). And President
Booosh said that he wouldn’t stop until everyone in America was fired, or
rather, fired up, about work. And that he would get the whole world workin’.
Even if we “have ta smoke ‘em out and bring ‘em ta work”. When a
reporter in the audience asked where the workers were, Mr. Booosh said, “bring
‘em on”, dead or alive”.
I just got my calculator out and
divided $50,000 into $350 billion (the amount of the tax reduction Mr. Bush just
gave) and it came out to be 7 million. That means that the Federal Government
could hire 7 million people and pay them $50,000 each for a year to work on the
national parks, the roads, Federal buildings, and other programs. Instead, the
$350 billion didn’t create one single job. As a matter of fact, 93,000 more
jobs disappeared last month. If there is a single businessman, a single company
or corporation that has hired even one person based upon the “incredible
affect” that the sudden influx of $350 billion has had on their business, I
would like to hear from them. As a matter of fact, I’d like the job myself,
since I am unemployed.
The world sure is changing. I
think I’ll just go out for a drive and try to stay off the “off roads” and
out of the analog roaming areas and just keep to the digital roads so I have
proper coverage.
I am a former staunch
conservative Republican who has recently been “born again”. I have been
“born again” into a progressive, populist and will vote for Congressman
Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio). I really don’t care what his party affiliation
is or whether is called a liberal, moderate or conservative. Mr. Kucinich
is a man of integrity, honesty, common sense and sincerity.
Congressman Kucinich (D-Ohio)
is straightforward, articulate, says what he means and means what he says. He
writes his own speeches and delivers them without notes. He doesn’t read from
a teleprompter and doesn’t need a team of a dozen speechwriters. He actually
believes that the unemployment rate should be 0%. He believes we need to rebuild
America before spending $600 billion rebuilding Iraq. 
He is for single payer, universal health care for all because one should
not have to barter away their entire life savings to afford health care.
We now have 9 million unemployed
with jobs disappearing at the speed of light. We have over 40 million
individuals with no health insurance. (Howard Dean wants to provide health
insurance for children and poor people.) That doesn’t help the 40 million
people, since most of them are working people between 23 and 65 years old that
can’t afford the health insurance premiums that are priced in the
 President Booosh wants to spend $600 billion to totally
rebuild Iraq. I don’t think the entire country of Iraq was worth $600 billion
before we bombed it. And what the hell happened to all that oil. The Iraqi
people have all that oil, but all they complain about is the fact that they
don’t have water. I guess you can’t drink oil.
I’m worried that Bush will
wants to attack Syria, Iran, North Korea and even Cuba. That will cost about $1
trillion. Its good Bush wasn’t President at the height of the Cold War or we
may have made a pre-emptive strike on the USSR with 40,000 hydrogen bombs and we
would all be living in caves right now.
The Iraqi’s don’t have
electricity either which means that their monthly electric bill must be pretty
damn small, so they must have some extra money to spend. Maybe Nike, and Pepsi,
and Dunkin Donuts will open up some businesses in Baghdad and jump-start the
economy. Maybe President Booosh should give the Iraqi’s a $350 billion
tax rebate.
Just think, if the average annual
earnings in Iraq is $1000 a year, a $350 billion dollar Iraqi tax rebate could
put all 27 million Iraqi men, women and children to work, and provide a damn
good health insurance policy. And there would be lots of money left over. Last
month President Bush said he needed another $87 billion for Iraq. When he asked
for it, he was talking to the TV teleprompter, so no one actually answered him
with a “yes, let’s go for it” or a “no, not in your life” type of
response. All I know is, President Booosh, didn’t ask me. I think I am
going to write to him and tell him to “not include my portion in the $87
billion”. I think I would rather just have my portion sent to me directly.
South Carolina has a budget
deficit of a billion or so maybe President Booosh can give $2 billion to
South Carolina, and give $598 billion to Iraq. That would be a good idea. And
maybe he could spare some pocket change out of the $87 billion (maybe a half
billion) so South Carolina can hire some teachers and fix the schools).
I invite all Americans, whether
staunch conservative Republicans, liberal Democrats, independents, progressives,
environmentalists, small business owners, and corporate executives to join me in
rebuilding America by electing a man of honesty, integrity and common sense, Dennis
Kucinich in 2004. He is a man who will watch how our money is spent, and
watch who is spending it for what purpose. He will set a goal of 0% unemployment
so all Americans can work. He will provide all Americans with the right to high
quality health care that is affordable. And he will restore the time honored
trust of the doctor/patient relationship. He will spend American money on
America, to rebuild our dams, our bridges, our roads, our national parks. He
will restore the pride and potential of our educational system and give back to
teachers the enthusiasm and dedication that they previously had in years past.
I truly believe that Mr.
Kucinich is the only man capable of solving the Israeli/Palestinian problem.
I encourage anyone and everyone who has an open mind to read and ponder his
positions on all the issues of our day at his web site,
He also has a new book of his inspirational, eloquent, thought provoking,
“tell it like it is”, speeches that cover a good many of his positions on
different issues in an honest, straightforward manner. It can be ordered on
at a reasonable price. Just reading the customer reviews of the book gives one
reason for hope for our great nation.
I believe Americans are the most
likeable people on the earth, and the most generous. We don’t need to
dominate, threaten, coerce, and control, badger, bully and bribe the world. Yes,
there are some brutal dictators in the world but we can’t declare war on the
world, forever, and spend $50 trillion dollars to make it a picture perfect
If we don’t all come together
and achieve Dennis Kucinich’s goals we are “in a pickle”. That’s
for sure.

James Boyne
301 Harbor Pointe #6
Mt. Pleasant, SC 
dboyne (at)

James Boyne is a computer
trainer, and former sales executive for IBM, Sony and the U.S. Chamber of
Commerce. He is a former staunch conservative Republican who after becoming of
victim of the health care industry, has researched, studied, and written about
the health care industry as a freelance satirical writer. He has made a 180
degree turnabout an now supports Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) for
President. Mr. Boyne has a B.S., Marketing from Quinnipiac College and MBA in
Marketing/Economics, Long Island University and a degree in Certified Financial

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