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News :: International
Lindsay Lohan Explains the Iraq War Exit Strategy to Wolf Blitzer on CNN
31 Jan 2007
Sometimes the most helpful advice comes from the least expected sources.
Wolf Blitzer: “Thank you for joining us. You are here in the Situation Room with the best group of reporters anywhere on television right here on CNN. Today it is my pleasure to welcome to CNN for the very first time a major Hollywood singing and acting star, Lindsay Lohan. Welcome to the Situation Room on CNN Lindsay. Is it O.K. if I call you Lindsay, or if you prefer I can call you Ms. Lohan, or by your married name, are you married Ms. Lohan?”

Lindsay Lohan: “Yes Wolf I am married to Calvin Klein but you can call me Lindsay.”

Wolf Blitzer: “Thank you Ms. Lohan. My producer just told me to call you Ms. Lohan but if you prefer then I will call you Lindsay. My producer just said in my earpiece that I can call you Lindsay. That will be fine. O.K. So thank you for coming into the Situation Room with us today Lindsay Lohan.”

Lindsay Lohan: “You’re welcome Wolf. Are you high Wolf? Are you feeling O.K. I mean I get interviewed five times a day and either you are really stoned or really nervous or really retarded. I would hate to think that you ever found yourself in the real situation room in a major war in the basement of the White House with President Bush and Vice President Cheney. What a horrifying thought.”

Wolf Blitzer: “Actually Lindsay Lohan this is the real situation room, the White House stole the name from us. We don’t get that many beautiful famous actresses on here, mostly I speak with Candy Crowley and frankly I’m a bit nervous. Do you know Brad Pitt?”

Lindsay Lohan: “I see. I’m sorry Wolf I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings but frankly you are freaking me out in front of a world wide audience. Is it true that CNN is owned by AOL Time Warner and the majority shareholders of AOL Time Warner is owned by the House of Saud, the Saudi Royal family or is that just a vicious rumor going around Hollywood. Sean Penn and Jane Fonda were telling me that Jane’s ex Ted Turner used to own CNN and that the House of Saud bought it and that’s why it seems like your reporters have no clue. Sean Penn and Jane Fonda also told me that it isn’t that your reporters have no clue, it’s just that your reporters are told to pretend that they have no clue so that the American people are constantly left in the dark about what’s really going on with American domestic and foreign policy.”

“Sean Penn and Jane Fonda also told me that in fact the Iraq War has been great for the people who own the oil, like the Saudi Royal family and the Bush and Cheney families. Sean said that the price of oil and the oil shares have skyrocketed since the Iraq War began. Saddam Hussein told Sean Penn personally that George Herbert Walker Bush and his son George W. Bush were financed in their own oil company by the family of Osama bin Laden. Saddam Hussein also told Sean Penn personally that the older President George Bush is on the board of directors of the Saudi Royal Family Oil Company and the defense offense contractor the Carlysle Group together with the Saudi Royal family, and that the Saudis are putting billions into the Bush bank accounts in Switzerland. Defense contracts and oil have really gone through the roof because of the Iraq War and they will really fly if America invades Iran don’t you think Wolf?”

Wolf Blitzer: “Um, uh, do you know Jennifer Aniston?”

Lindsay Lohan: “Yes Wolf I know Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Would you like me to get their autograph for you?”

Wolf Blitzer: “That would be great Lindsay thank you so much.”

Lindsay Lohan: “You’re quite welcome Wolf or if you prefer I can call you five star General Wolf Blitzer the best General in the Situation Room right here on CNN. Anyway Wolf, do you remember when General Colin Powell the former Secretary of State took his slide show to the United Nations with American intelligence satellite pictures of the nuclear bombs and weapons of mass destruction possessed by Saddam Hussein which led us into the Iraq War and led to his now cleaning the floor of the basketball court at the University of Indiana? Well I brought my own slides today to explain to the American people the real reason that the United States is involved in the Iraq War, soon to be the Iran War and the real reason that President George Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney and their consigliores Karl Rove and Lewis Scooter Libby have used so many ridiculous lies to justify America’s presence in Iraq. Is it O.K. if I show my slides now Wolf?”

Wolf Blitzer: “Hold on please Lindsay. My producer is screaming in my ear, there seems to be a conference call going on in my ear in Arabic, no I don’t think we can allow that I’m sorry Lindsay.”

Lindsay Lohan: “Wolf would you like to come to a party at my house with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie and Steven Spielberg? It’s this Saturday night and I’m sure that my friends would love to meet you.”

Wolf Blitzer: “Really Lindsay, no way, that would be awesome. Thank you so much, wow! O.K. I’m sorry for interrupting you. Lets see your pictures.”

Lindsay Lohan: “The fact that these pictures have not been disclosed to the American people by the mainstream media is the number one argument for why it is so vitally important for us all to preserve net neutrality. Here is the first graph. As you can see for yourself the people of the United States of America consume 20 million barrels of oil each and every day, far in excess of any other nation on Earth. For the past 5 million years before a hundred years ago our ancestors used zero oil. As you can see Russia and India use 2 million barrels of oil per day. Indonesia with nearly the same population as the U.S. uses 1 million barrels of oil per day. Laos and many other countries use 3 thousand barrels of oil per day. The gluttonous and needless immense consumption of oil by the American people is the root cause of the Iraq War and the Iran War upon us. Why are SUV’s legal? Why isn’t it a law that every American must drive a Smart Car or an electric car or an ethanol car which runs on corn or a fuel cell car which runs on water and emits only water vapor or ride a bicycle? Think of the reduction in oil consumption. Think of the end of the need to colonize the Middle East.”

“I know that this idea strikes fear into the hearts of the oil executives running the White House and the Congress, and the mainstream media, but this is why President Bush and Vice President Cheney hired an oil executive in the White House to censor the scientific proof of global warming which is now forcing polar bears to eat their children and which soon will cause the earth’s one ocean to rise 50 feet when both ice caps in the north and south poles melt. Our country is about to go under water permanently Wolf. 8 years ago Vice President Dick Cheney said, “Where is our oil going to come from in the future?” Look at this chart of exports and production of oil by nation Wolf.

Saudi Arabia exports 9 million barrels of oil more per day than it imports. On the other end of the scale the United States the world’s largest polluter by far imports 12 million barrels of oil per day on top of the 5 million barrels per day we produce. This is all grade 3 math wolf. The Iraq desert is capable of producing 10 million barrels a day of oil at a cost of $1 per barrel. The Iraq War and Iran War exit strategy is for the people of the United States of America to over the next year cut back on our ridiculous over consumption of oil to 2 million barrels of oil per day. We can hire Mexicans to carry us around on rickshaws. Rick Shaw wrote “The Simple Life”. So Wolf, please do me and the American people a favor and stop talking about weapons of mass destruction, democracy, ideology and Islamofascists. Russia and China consider the Middle East their backyard and both are now backing Iran. If President George Bush strikes Iran with nuclear missiles Russia and China will nuke the United States and nuclear world war 3 will be MAD, Mutually Assured Destruction, the extinction of life on Earth forever. Isn’t it about time that we as American people took the fifth step and admitted to God, to ourselves and to everyone else the exact nature of our wrongs, that we drank too much oil, and we as a country stopped needlessly drinking so much oil? This is our way out of Iraq, Iran and the Apocalypse Wolf.”

Wolf Blitzer: “Is Paris Hilton going to be there? What time should I come?”
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