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News :: Politics
Vatican Researchers Exclaim "Jesus Was An Alcoholic!"
26 May 2004
Italy - Researchers in Rome, Italy, have found new evidence that teaches us about the life and times of Jesus Christ, savior to the masses of Christians around the world.
Italy - Researchers in Rome, Italy, have found new evidence that teaches us about the life and times of Jesus Christ, savior to the masses of Christians around the world.

Researchers from the Vatican (working in conjunction with DNA experts) have examined The Shroud of Turin (believed by many to be the burial cloth of Jesus Christ), and have taken and tested blood samples from the cloth to check for various things. One thing has become certain: Jesus Christ, if he was real and this is his burial cloth, was an alcoholic.

"This gives new meaning to the Catholic idea of wine being `The Blood of Christ`," said Michael Gravenson, head of the Vatican research team. "The blood, even after all of these years and having gone through a fire, still registers at a .18 blood-alcohol-content level," continued Dr. Gravenson. As to why, after all of these years, alcohol would still be found present in such blood samples, the researchers could not give us any explanation. So, we turned to the Pope.

"Das Blut von Jesus ist nicht tödlich, gerecht wie Jesus selbst," said The Pope, in one of his native languages. Roughly translated, it says, "Jesus's blood, like him, is immortal." Could this be a possible explanation? Could the possibility exist that Jesus Christ was real, and was not a true mortal? Could this explain why, till this day, a blood-alcohol-content level of .18 was found in the blood samples from the Shroud of Turin? Turning to a well-known Theologist, Todd Shriver, we figured we'd find our answer.

"It's not that Jesus's blood is immortal, it's that Jesus was immortal. The man could drink as much as he wanted and not die. He couldn't die until his father, God, said he could. He could have had a .99 BAC and still have been alive. If that's what he had when he died, it's possible," said Todd Shriver. "Just think for a minute, if you knew you were going to die, and you had that cool supper where everybody stood on one side of the table, wouldn't you drink yourself as much of the cheap Roman wine as you could?" asked Dr. Shriver. "Many notable Biblical figures imbibed large amounts of alcohol, and God still loved them. Noah is widely accepted as having been a drunk, so why not Jesus, too?" said Dr. Shriver.

"Further research will have to be done," said Dr. Gravenson. He then vowed to continue his work until all questions were answered.

Copyright by the author. All rights reserved.

Comments

What about Zen, Buddist, Allah, Ra, etc...
26 May 2004
Alcoholic Jesus. Alcoholic "W".
One got hung off a cross, for freedom of speech.
One never got impeached for numerous lies, cover-ups, illegal wars, murders and threating our national security.
Is there justice in our country?
No.
Until we can get corporate money out of our election equation?
We are doomed!