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Commentary :: Environment
MA Democrats: A 2 yr. old, yet timely, satirical "press release"
28 Jul 2004
House Fuhrer Hooligan: "Who Needs Elderly People, Anyway?"
House Fuhrer Hooligan: "Who Needs Elderly People, Anyway?"

(originally penned May, 2002)

BOSTON- The Massachusetts State House of Misrepresentatives voted to sadistically deny 30,000 people health coverage under the MassHealth Medicaid program, eliminate prescription drug coverage, and zero-fund the Clean Elections Fund, all in an apparent effort by the ruling Autocrat Party to grovel and prostrate itself before House Fuhrer-for-Life, Misrepresentative Thomas M. Hooligan.

The decision to reduce Medicaid eligibility concluded an unusually frantic session in which an assortment of lemmings, sheep, and programmable robots voted to raise taxes for working people by more than $1 billion, restore funding to generous campaign contributors, and find ingenious new ways of destroying poor people. House Brownshirts claimed the Medicaid change, which would save nearly $400 million, was needed in order teach poor people a lesson for not attending their fundraisers.

Senate Ways and Means Chairman Mark C. Moretaxes yesterday tore into the House over the Medicaid cuts,properly calling it "irresponsible." He claimed that it was disgusting to deny poor people medical coverage, and suggested the legislature should tax them to death instead. "We need more regressive taxes," he claimed. "This is a core human value that we provide for people," he said, "and smokers on fixed incomes should be made to pay for it."

When asked why he wouldn't target tobacco companies- instead of addicted consumers- to raise funds, he noted that since demand-side solutions to problems of addiction never work, he would keep trying them again and again.

But some in the House claimed that it was absolutely necessary to cut back on Medicaid, which was said to be spiraling out of control. Even with the rollback in income eligibility, Medicaid spending would still increase by nearly 5% in order to continue trailing far behind the genuine cost of healthcare.

The final Medicaid cut, however, was not as steep as that recommended by the House Ways and Means Committee which recommended euthanasia for people with severe mental illness.

Misrepresentative Cheryl A. Rutterkin (Springfield), who supported ending Medicaid payments for methadone clinics, said "It is time for heroin addicts to die the painful deaths God intended for them." She said lawmakers will use the savings to help bolster the careers of incompetent or corrupt Mayors, and enrich Autocrat Party campaign contributors. The methadone program, she noted, merely trades one fatal addiction to another that is proven to save lives. "We can't have these people addicted to living. Taxpayers will benefit when these people finally kill themselves by drowning in their vomit."

When asked why Fuhrer Hooligan refused to close the Medicaid gap for nursing homes, his deputy Brownshirts and spokesvermin asserted that it amuses them when disabled and elderly people suffer concussions or broken hips from falls in nursing homes. "The Fuhrer particularly relishes the sight of elderly people suffering indignities of skin tears and ulcers from sitting in dried excrement," an aide pointed out. "It's especially gratifying when useless feeders die from malnutrition, or when there's not enough staff in nursing homes to help meet state-mandated infection control standards."

Earlier yesterday, the House of Misrepresentatives also voted to destroy the Clean Elections Fund. Misrepresentative Joseph F. Warchest (Chicopee) said the money was better spent on an excessive amount of bureaucrats than on campaigns for people whose souls aren't bought and paid for.

Misrepresentative Gale A. Conartist (Springfield) agreed. "If people beholden only to public at large, like Michael Aleo, start getting elected to public office, then my constituents might start demanding that I start actually representing their own interests as opposed to those of Fuhrer Hooligan."

Under the amendment, backed by Fuhrer Hooligan's top Brownshirts, contracts neglected by the House of Misrepresentatives for more than three years would finally be funded in a classic divide and conquer tactic. Some members were chomping at the bit to disparage a law that threatens to divorce lawmakers from the powerful interests that purchase them. Misrepresentative Marie J. Paidfor (Milford) called public financing of campaigns "a Communist conspiracy to give average voters a stronger voice than wealthy campaign contributors."

She pointed out that "[a]nybody can get that money. Candidates like Michael Aleo can actually campaign and nearly win election. Where would graft be, then?" Misrepresentative Ellen Phony (Amherst) concurred. "Now, by paying people like my husband, we can pretend to be friends of education even as we slash financial aid packages. Strengthening the hand of Tammany Hall is just icing on the cake. It's the best of both worlds."

When asked why he was attempting to gut the law, Fuhrer Hooligan claimed "Some of us feel as if we've been punched ten times, and we want to punch back once." He was unavailable for further comment, as he then hurled himself at a nursing home resident and began to repeatedly punch her face until it resembled a bloody mass of scrambled eggs. Laughing maniacally, he screamed "This is how you solve the Medicaid problem!" The nursing home resident then fell, as there simply were not enough nursing aides to guide her, prompting Fuhrer Hooligan to savagely kick her head several times.

"That's what you get for not attending my fundraiser last night," he yelled. "You were nowhere to be seen at Anthony's Pier 4!" The resident gurgled as bloody bubbles issued from her lips. She should have realized, regarding Autocrat Party machine politicians, that you get what you pay for.

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