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News ::
Wad of Kleenex Threatens Fleet Bank Headquarters
15 Oct 2001
A wad of Kleenx encrusted with a "suspicious fluid" was discovered in the Fleet Bank Headquarters building at 100 Federal Street, Boston MA this moring, prompting security staff to close down the third floor until it could be collected by police and CDC officials.
A wad of Kleenx encrusted with a "suspicious fluid" was discovered in the Fleet Bank Headquarters building at 100 Federal Street, Boston, MA this morning, prompting security staff to close down the third floor until the threat could be collected by police and CDC officials.

At approximately 11:35 am, alarms and warning prompts informed the myriad employees of the Fleet Financial Headquarters that a wad of Kleenex filled with "suspicious fluid" had been discovered under a desk on the 40 story building's third floor.

Employees were encouraged to remain calm, and continue with their fiscal duties until further notice of evacuation followed. None did, and as high pitched alarms continued their peal, the general consensus was that, as one Senior Fund Analysis Manager put it, "you must be friggin' kidding me".

Another Sr. F.A. Manager, Doug Solyer of Wellesley, Ma. chimed in that "(He) thought THOSE kind of tissue could only be found in the Combat Zone!" (The C.Z. being a now-defunct neighborhood of Boston known for strip clubs and prostitution).

Police and Bank authorities found the tissue far less amusing, as the Fleet Finanial building neighbors such financial and transportation nerve centers as the Federal Reserve building, Amtrack's South Station and the harbor front.

The more experienced Center for Disease Control workers however belied the belief that the call was just another case of post September 11 jitters.
"This tissue" explained a CDC worker clad from head to toe in a canary yellow latex toxin suit while holding the offending article within the pincers of a bomb-proof iron claw, "represents so many fears unfounded".

Despite the penchance for rhetoric, the security worker, whose identity was not given in the interest of national security, refused to remove his or her steel reinforced respiration helmet until said Kleenex was "sent to the lab".

The banks president and CEO, Terry Murry, was unavailable for comment on the incident, which despite authorities wishes accounted for the extended coffee breaks of some seventy five Relationship Managers on the 17 and 9th floors. A spokesman for the executive sum laude was overheard to say "What, was someone actually INSPECTING wads of Kleenex this morning? They are SO FIRED", a comment which prompted Ginny Malthuse of Dover, MA to add, "Aren't fluids wadded up in Kleenex ALWAYS suspicious by nature?"

All in all, the day seemed to be on course for proceeding at a regular pace, despite the action and potential for unlimited danger posed by what was since consentually determined to be a run of the mill "spooge rag" by the informed group of Not For Profit Grantwriters by the 20th floor water cooler.
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