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News ::
FBI: Hope You Can Come!
16 Dec 2001
13) Hypothetical question: If you were building a nuclear missile, but then learned that the United States was building a "missile shield" to stop you, you would stop, right?
FBI: Hope You Can Come!

Occasionally The New York Times prints a bit of news that might NOT be entirely "Fit to Print" – usually in their cartoons. - JPC

December 2, 2001, Sunday

The Justice Department [sic] wants to talk terrorism with 5,000 Middle Eastern men [and law-abiding Constitutional citizens], but not in a confrontational way. "We're being as kind and fair and gentle as we can," Attorney General John Ashcroft said on Tuesday.

Given the possibility that an accused terrorist could be brought before a military tribunal and executed, the easygoing approach probably makes sense. But how, we wondered, can good, cops make bad people spill the beans? Maybe like this?

By Lawrence Downes

United States
Department of Justice
Washington, D.C.
November, 2001

Dear Middle Eastern Man,

A bunch of us federal agents were thinking of getting together sometime soon. Would you like to join us? How about next Wednesday, between 3:30 and 4:45? Nothing formal, just come as you are!

We'll supply the coffee and cookies. But if you could answer the following questions (in black pen, please) and bring this sheet with you, that would be great!

1) Are you a terrorist?

2) Seriously. Are you? (If so, please call us right away!)

3) Do you know any terrorists?

4) If so, could you write their names, addresses and telephone numbers on the back of this form? Attach a separate sheet if necessary. (If the terrorist is you, write "self.")

5) Do you know where Osama bin Laden is?

6) If not, do you know how we could get a package to him?

7) Do you know if he is being protected by lots of armed men?

8) If so, how many?

9) When would be the best time to attack them?

10) Can you give us any hints on how to tell terrorist Muslims from non-terrorist Muslims? For example, differences in dress, speech, personality, television viewing habits and so forth?

[And what's the likelihood of seasoned terrorists leaving a convenient and incriminating trail of Korans, flight manuals, funny notes and misinterpreted videotapes?]

11) In the past 12 months, have you had sex with a terrorist, or paid a terrorist for sex?

12) In the last 12 months, have you undergone treatment for any of the following diseases:

a) anthrax

13) Hypothetical question: If you were building a nuclear missile, but then learned that the United States was building a "missile shield" to stop you, you would stop, right?

14) Don’t you think Hollywood's culture of immorality has something to do with this?

15) If we arrested you and held you for a while, would you have a problem with that?

16) What are all of you so mad about?

17) Are you aware of any other planned terrorist attacks on U.S. soil?

18) If so, please write the date, time and place. Include a cross street if possible, and the name and phone number of a contact person.

19) Do you know anyone else we should be talking to?

20) You'd tell us, right?


JPC: Aside from cartoons and occasional exposes of criminal organizations like The Carlyle Group – which are quickly yanked from the front page and don't emerge as "news" again until such groups continue their crimes for a while – The New York Slimes ("All the News That’s Fit to Print" – for who?) offers little real news.

For real news and intelligence, you might explore these bookmarks:
See also:
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