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News ::
News from 2005
20 Dec 2001
Independence, Missouri - A routine traffic stop revealed a woman driving a vehicle with an Ethiopian flag affixed to a window. Ethiopia has yet to be approved by Homeland Security. It is not yet known what links this woman has to any terrorist community. It was discovered however that she is black.
News Briefs - December 20, 2005

Man arrested for espionage

Lincoln Nebraska - A man was arrested outside of a local pharmacy today when he was heard to utter to a store employee; "Do you really think God does bless America?" He is being held at... the bad place. No further information was released or expected in this matter.

Woman detained for questioning

Independence, Missouri - A routine traffic stop revealed a woman driving a vehicle with an Ethiopian flag affixed to a window. Ethiopia has yet to be approved by Homeland Security. It is not yet known what links this woman has to any terrorist community. It was discovered however that she is black.

Fastchek now available

Washington D.C. - The department of immigration is now offering Fastchek, a service designed to get you through airport security and all border crossings in less than 4 hours! No more waiting in lines with people of questionable character. For a low annual fee of $995, along with the required premium DOJ background check this service can be yours. Just dial 1-800-911-notme today.

New holiday guidelines announced

Washington, D.C. - The house subcommittee has approved a measure to allow Christmas to remain a legal holiday. All nativity scenes must contain a standard American flag and carols must end with the mantra "God Bless America". Outside of these adjustments all yuletide customs will remain intact. There was concern among many citizens that Christmas would also have to be sacrificed to enable the time given to 911 day, the two week mourning holiday that has already pre-empted every other holiday except Veterans day, Flag Day, and Memorial day. An additional stipulation was that anyone caught observing the day formerly known as "independence day" will be taken in for questioning.

Search almost over

Bushtown, New Texas - The supreme military commander of New Texas (formerly known as Afghanistan et al) reports that they have Osama Bin Laden cornered in a remote mountain area and are hours away from having his head on a stick.

Post offices declared secure

USPS press release - With the addition of the 143 trillion dollar scanning system for contagious microbes the United States Postal System was declared secure by the feds today. The recent scare from terrorist activity originating in Bulgaria was finally put to rest with the implementation of this system in every post office in the 50 states and the 27 protectorates of the United States empire.
See also:
tojustbe.com/fun.html
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