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Announcement :: Education
How I Made Money Off The Carlyle Group
03 Mar 2006
(A Skillshare)

Last year while the rest of you were wringing your hands at the world's lies and injustice, I made $650 cash money off of the Carlyle Group. I am going to tell you how.

Most of you know Carlyle group as that sneaky board of corporate government douchebags who caused the Gulf War and T.W.A.T. You are right. But you don't take advantage of knowledge the way I do. That is a damn shame. For you are not raising the necessary funds for whatever stupid Tupperware you want to bang outside of government buildings. You are not raising the necessary funds for your Crass patches, your Let's Dred, and your poster paints.

Some Seriously Whittled Down Background Information (and I plagiarize):

The Carlyle Group is a Washington, D.C. based global private equity investment firm with more than $30 billion of equity capital in 2005. This loot belongs to just 800 people from all over the world. The firm employs more than 300 eggheads in 14 countries with multiple offices in North America, Europe and Asia. The firm runs four funds, including leveraged buyouts, venture capital, real estate and high-yield investments.

Now while you rank amateurs in Network Centric Warfare would like to know where these offices are so you can drop banners and chant slogans, let me show you what your Hip Hop superiors do with this information.

You note the founders: William E. Conway, Jr., Daniel A. D'Aniello, and David M. Rubenstein who collectively own around a 50% interest in the group.

You note what they invest in: Aerospace & Defense, Automotive, Consumer & Industrial, Energy & Power, Healthcare, Real Estate, Technology & Business Services, Telecommunication & Media, and Transportation.

Here you remind yourself that these are scumbags who trade with the enemy. While you, in your activist group tell yourself that this makes them traitors, remind yourselves that you are also traitors who sympathize with muslim terrorists. Now that we have "traitor" on both side of the math equation we see that it cancels out. Draw a line through traitor. It is stricken from the equation. Now lets make some money to put behind our causes and beliefs.

Ho ho! Carlyle owns 33.8% QinetiQ, the UK's recently privatized defense company good information. Let's keep going:

You note that moral outrage exists about the company's dealings. This means the company is doing well, since it is pissing off most people. Bear in mind that "most people" is where most money comes from. You however must assume the belief that you are better than most people. This is essential to your cold calculation and your ultimate success.

You take all that good seething hatred that you once possessed about the "injustices" being perpetrated by this "evil corporation." You are going to need that fury to power your information gathering. Information gathering is quite simply avarice seeking the sufficient weapons to gain advantage. Use your hatred. Let it flow. Let it guide you to your information treasure.

Carlyle is the only large private equity firm located in Washington, DC. squarely between the White House and the Capitol building.

Of course it is.

Carlyle ain't just a private defense contractor It is a private equity firm that owns controlling or partial interests in a portfolio of companies, some of which are contractors for the military [...] it lobbied for [Boom Boom Megadeth Project] because one of its portfolio companies would be able to share in the contract.

Why would YOU lobby except to get something?

Carlyle trades with Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves who keep the loot in a big cave somewhere.

Yeah yeah, but who are the 40 American Theives? Let's see:

Alice Albright
James Baker III
George H. W. Bush
George W. Bush
Frank C. Carlucci
Donald Rumsfeld.
Richard Darman
William Kennard
Arthur Levitt
John Major (The Brit)
Frank McKenna (The Canadian)
Mack McLarty (eg Kissinger)
Anand Panyarachun (Thailand)
Colin Powell
Fidel Ramos (Philippines)
Park Tae Joon (South Korea)
Robert Zoellick

And of course, Osama bin Laden's Family. It's all true. But fuck complaining dude. I want the laptop. I want the power point presentation. I want the cache of gold. And so do you. So let's put our childhood feelings aside and make money with this.

You add the Carlyle Group home page to your browser Bookmarks. Also add Yahoo Finance, and the home page of the *Brokerage Account* of your choice. A Brokerage account is like a bank account except that it is in one of the buildings you usually bang pots and pans at like Fidelity, or Scottrade, or Etrade. Save, beg, borrow, or steal 500 bucks to open the account. Once open, you can suck some of that money back out. But you will want to put in as much as you can.

But fuck saving. This is not going to be piss interest like at Bank of Socialist America. We are going to get rich. Richer than the people you hate. Your friends will soon be wanting to kill you and take your shit. You will have to get a licensed firearm.

Unless you can pump money overseas, you had better just concentrate on Albright, Baker, Bush, and Carlucci. This ought to please you folks at ABC Boston. I have been watching Frank Carlucci, and his biopharmaceuticals myself.

You Bookmark Wikipedia. You look up the 40 Thieves individually. Run down the whole list. Wikipedia will show you the corporate holdings of each thief.

Then you get the stock tags (those graffiti crew letters) of each corporate posse, and check what they are worth on Yahoo Finance. Walmart is fucking open! Now you are a stockbroker. And you can laugh when your pal writes "stockbrokers killed my heroes." Because if you make a good chunk of change you just might kill a few yourself. It's a great joke to play on your bitter friends... getting rich behind their back on your own (or my) ingenuity. If you have clever friends, let them in on it. Easy Money. Yippie!

I made my $650 off the Carlyle Group in 4 months. Put money in oven, let rise, take out bigger. Break off pieces, put in ovens, let rise, take out bigger. What the fuck do I care what you do with it later. Give it to your worthless friends. Me, I buy tape decks, record players, silk screeners, computers, and shit to hype up me and my friends' record label. That beats the shit out of what RAAN does.

This work is in the public domain