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News ::
Productive Actions You Can Take to Assist Big Brother (english)
09 Dec 2002
The Rebel Intelligence Unit has detected flaws in the technologies employed by the Information Awareness Office.
Productive Actions You Can Take to Assist Big Brother
Information is Power
Give Them More Information!
Flaws detected in the TIA
The Rebel Intelligence Unit has detected flaws in the technologies employed
by the Information Awareness Office. 
The Total Information
Awareness System lacks access to critical information sources.  The
goal of achieving TOTAL information awareness is threatened!  Our
government has asserted that total information awareness is critical to our
national security.  It is with this in mind that we urge ALL Americans to
do their patriotic duty by filling in the information gaps.
Information gaps discovered
On a wave of patriotic zeal, the Resistance dedicated half of it's budget, a
whopping $0.00 US (or $0.00 CDN for our friends to the North (yes, we got the
exchange rate correct)), to uncover the gaps in the TIA.  The job was not
easy and the good offices of John Poindexter, despite their large budgets and
the assistance of corporate welfare delinquents, failed to detect these
flaws.  Accustomed to thinking outside the box, the Resistance came through
and has now published its findings.  The important and deplorable gaps in
total information awareness can only be filled with the dedicated help of each
and every American.  Please read our list carefully and do what you can to
keep Big Brother informed!
The Pee Pee Gap
The IAO has funded no project to detect the frequency, duration, quantity,
location, time, and quality of American urination events.  Each day almost
300,000,000 Americans pee and they pee more than once per day.  Increases
in pee frequency and/or volume could indicate the outbreak of a biological
agent, an increase in fear (thus, terror), or an increase in laughter (for
example, following a speech by Der Fuhrer).  This information is critical
to national security.  We urge all Americans to do their part by keeping
the Information Awareness Office informed of all urination events.  We
have provided a page with instructions that can assist you in performing this
most patriotic duty.
The Poo Poo Gap
Just like the Pee Pee Gap, the TIA is wide open when it comes to scatological
information.  Knowledge about the frequency, quantity, shape, color, and
consistency of fecal mater emitted by Americans of grave national concern. 
Quite frankly, a nation of unhealthy shitters is a nation in the can! 
Undetected outbreaks of diarrhea could lead to disastrous consequences. 
Such knowledge is crucial for the detection of biological terrorism. 
Furthermore, a nation cannot go to war when it's people have the runs! 
Wise leaders have always planned their battles around a healthy shit.
Timing is important as well.  Unless the TIA is aware of each and every
fecal event, they could find themselves in deep shit.  It is the patriotic
duty of all Americans to keep the IAO aware and up to date on all fecal
information.    We urge all Americans to do their part by keeping
the Information Awareness Office informed of all fecal events.  We
have provided a page with instructions that can assist you in performing this
most patriotic duty.
The Hair Loss During Showering and Grooming Gap
Every morning in homes across our great nation, critical information
regarding the release of radioactive materials goes down the drain. 
Radiation poisoning leads to hair loss.  The typical American is
insufficiently skilled to judge the gob of hair that accumulates around the
shower drain.  In an unbelievable demonstration of irresponsibility, the
designers of the TIA have neglected inclusion of a mechanism for hair loss
detection.
This is where you come in.  You can increase national security and give
advanced warning of rising levels of nuclear contamination by keeping the IAO
informed of hair loss.  When showering, please note the quantity of hair
collecting around the shower drain.  When combing or brushing your hair,
estimate the number of hairs remaining in the comb or brush.  Immediately
following a hair loss event, contact
the IAO immediately, using our nifty instruction set, and you will be an
American hero!
Arousal Frequency Gap
The TIA was not designed to detect arousal events.  However, sexual
arousal is a key indicator of human health.  The release of chemical agents
into the environment could increase or decrease the rate of arousal events among
Americans.  Boners or wet panties are normal, but when either occurs too
frequently or too infrequently, there could be trouble.  On a whole,
American's are unqualified to judge the utility of information concerning
arousal events.  These acts of judgment should be left to the experts at
the IAO.
Gentlemen, each time you pop a boner, it is your patriotic duty to inform the
IAO.  We have made this important patriotic duty easy to exercise.  Please
visit our page dedicated to reporting boners.
Ladies, some men may be too shy to report their boners to the IAO.  Even
if they claim to be performing this patriotic duty, they might be lying. 
Help the IAO verify boner information by reporting
boners you notice.  Not only will this increase the safety of all
Americans, it will help the IAO keep tabs on who is doing their patriotic duty
and who is not.
The duty of a female Americans does not end with boner tips.  All
females should report lubricating events as well.  We
have created this custom instruction set for your patriotic use.  The
TIA is interested in nipple erections as well.  Some nipple erections may
not be caused by sexual arousal, but you are unfit (as mere peons) to make this
judgment yourself.  Please
report all nipple erection events to the IAO.
Conclusion
America depends upon total information awareness.  Do your part and
report all pee pee, poo poo, hair loss, and arousal events.  God Bless
America!
See also:
http://www.breakyourchains.org/be_patriotic!.htm
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