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News ::
Hail Dubya! Champion of the oppressed! (english)
09 Apr 2003
Modified: 10 Apr 2003
No more monday morning quarterbacking from those meely-mouthed liberallls. Finally they've seen the light! ;)

Cambridge, MA - Finally realizing the error of their ways, leading lights of the American Left came out today in support of the emperor’s war of liberation in Iraq. Backtracking on his initial position, renowned human rights activist and dialogologist, Noel Longer told a standing room only audience at the Harvard School of Government, “The liberation of the Iraqi people has finally been realized. This struggle was never about oil. Just because the imperium is drenched in petroleum does not necessarily mean that they have any untoward interest in the second largest oil reserves on the entire planet.”
Longer went on and on to point out that the regime’s many connections with the lucrative military-industrial complex are “not necessarily important factors in the use of American military might in the place of international diplomacy.” Longer’s words were echoed by fellow traveler and noted historian I.M. Sinn. “Let the record show that this humble man from the great state of Texas rose above the petty concerns of effete intellectuals, bickering bureaucrats, and most of the world’s population, to free the oppressed people of Iraq. He gave them back their country asking only for a deposit.”
Sinn is one of many on the American Left who are attempting to reposition themselves in light of The Light. The emperor’s recent declaration on the establishment of a state religion in the U.S. has left many secular activists in the unenviable position of being with Sinn. “I’ve found that Jesus makes a reasonably good personal savior”, noted Katha Tharsis, a former feminists and luminary of the Left. “Like the Car Guys say: whatever works for you!”
Tharsis’s sentiments seemed sensibly seconded by seriously sagacious seekers like the members of ASKER (whose acronym stands for Activists Seeking Kindness from the Emperor’s Retribution). A spokesman for the group speaking on condition of anonymity noted that their organization should not be confused with the one with a similar name that sponsored the misguided anti-war demonstrations prior to the Iraqi liberation. “Let’s be clear about this, just because the regime promotes and enforces imperialist policies at every turn, and just because they want to rule the whole world, does not mean we can’t find some common ground.” The source pointed out “the Good News is for everyone, not just for mindless bible-bangers goose-stepping behind the flag.” When asked to elaborate, the source declined further comment.
The group, Far-right Religious Zealots for Peace & Justice, whom the emperor has praised for their many contributions, is now poised to enter Iraq and deliver the starving population. The Right Reverend Graham Cracker, a personal friend and spiritual mentor of the emperor, stated: “The Iraqi people need our help. We are prepared to bring home the bacon to those strange, dark people, regardless of their evil beliefs. As our Savior said: Do unto others as you would do unto others and we certainly know what he was talking about.” Previously vilified by many on the Left for his base inhumanity and religious intolerance, Cracker is now seen as a crusader for rights wherever he goes. “We’re not too concerned about his endless talk of End Times and the Rapture,” said Ken Notstand, liberal pollster and chairman of Democrats for a New World Order, “Graham is exorcising his constitutional rights, and we’re all for that!”
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Comments

Say What? (english)
09 Apr 2003
Dahhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhhh

I wish you poor sarcatic "harvard lefty's" would post in
"working class english".. what the fuck you say? It would
take me a year and a dicktionairy to decipher your
inbred "shine my shoes boy" attitude/language code.



MicMac Merc
Rev. Cracker (english)
10 Apr 2003
I believe the actual quote that Rev. Cracker was grasping for was, "Do unto others...then run like hell!"

Enjoyed your posting, thanks