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News :: Human Rights
Iraq Instant Weight Loss™ Program
12 Dec 2004
Iraq Instant Weight Loss™ Program

U.S. Soldiers have lost thousands of pounds overnight using this proven system!

My name is Private First Class Michael Lanford and I lost 20 lbs OVERNIGHT in the IRAQ INSTANT WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM™—and another 30 over the next month! And you can do it too!

Hours after my unarmored Hummer was blown up by high explosives the Bush administration allowed insurgents to get their hands on, my right arm was amputated in the welcoming offices of the Army Medical Corps, making my INSTANT WEIGHT LOSS™ 20 lbs.

During my “recovery” month, I lost another 25 pounds from wasting, disease, and field complications, making my total loss a whopping 45 lbs. I struggled with trying to lose weight for years and never succeeded, but finnaly I did, and you can do it, too. But I never dould have done it without George W. Bush! Thanks George!

Gunner Marsha Smith went from an ugly, fatty 135 lbs to a sexy, lithe little 80, ditching an incredible 55 pounds OVERNIGHT using the IRAQ INSTANT WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM™ when her legs were blown off by a mortar round while transporting contaminated fuel, and another 25 in the in-house program during recuperation!

And finally, Susan Greentree lost 192 lbs OVERNIGHT when her husband was killed in a poorly-planned raid in Tikrit, where the weapons of mass weight loss were hidden.

You can do it too!

Whether you’re looking to lose just a few pounds like a hand or foot in a firefight, or massive burning off of unwanted body tissue like blowing away that leg fat and muscle with a land mine, or losing that gut from a combination tummy tuck gastrectomy and colonectomy after a high-powered fragmenting round lands in your abdomen from armed recently-fatherless teen who found his weapons in a conveniently unguarded munition depot after the invasion and is taking his desperate rage out on the soldiers who had some "minor civilian casualties" during their attack on his hometown, the IRAQ INSTANT WEIGHT LOSS™ program is for you!

In fact, we’ll pay you to do it. A little less than we used to, but we’ll pay you about $700 a month. Plus, your family can lose weight, too, because they might not have enough money to buy food while you’re meeting your own weight loss goals, and might have to use food banks like they do in many military towns across the country. And the Cheney, Bush, and Unocal families are doing their part by volunteering to gain all the weight you loose—in their unsightly “wallet area.” Everyone wins!

All participants will receive this lovely limited edition broach, suitable for framing on your wall or the wall of your next of kin. However, we cannot be responsible for insinuations that you didn’t actually earn it if you should run for high political office thirty years later.

Your INSTANT WEIGHT LOSS™ will vary according to body mass composition, height, genetic predisposition, and dumb luck or lack thereof.

Follow-up and long-term medical treatment may or may not be available, convenient, or competent, depending on the political climate and massive cuts to the VA programs.
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13 Dec 2004
by G W B

I ENDORSE this program. (Don't count on me to use it to shed those 6 lbs, though--I'm 'fraid of blood. The last time I tipped my bike over, I wet myself).


by Sharon

You can Just BANK ON IT that Israel will get its pound of flesh from each of these poor suckers.