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News ::
INS Officials Admit Human Rights 'Aren't For Everyone'
28 Oct 2001
Modified: 29 Oct 2001
As hundreds of illegal immigrants and foreigners, many of the Muslim, continue to be detained in the ongoing anti-terrorism investigation, INS spokesperson Eyleen Schmidt stressed the strictly American nature of so-called 'human' rights.
"Who wrote the Bill of Rights," she said. "Americans, that's who. Really, if you think about it, at the very least we aught to own the intellectual property rights."

"Up until now, we've let other groups enjoy almost as many Inaliable Rights as the American people--and look how they've repaid us," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in a separate news brief.

"Spare the rod, spoil the child, that's my motto," he went on to add.

But some of the wealthy white Americans we interviewed weren't so sure.

"How long do we have to wait for the INS to come out here and lend support to our Pinkerton Security Force," asks Deckard Slay, a resident of one of the Central West End's five gated communities.

"We've had four blacks walk through my neighborhood last year alone," he said. "Sooner or later, they're going to want to move in."

The ACLU has said a few things about this issue, but admits their jurisdiction is strictly limited to American Civil Liberties.

"Human rights for all is a great idea in theory," ACLU spokesperson Gabe Rottman said, "But other people have their own countries, with their own laws. You have to respect that."

Polls show that 80% of Americans polled support protecting the human rights of the majority of Americans routinely polled for their support. This unilateral agreement with INS policies reinforces the Administration's resolve to continue their policy of Selective Reasoning in the ongoing 'War on Terrorism.'
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29 Oct 2001
What is this supposed to be, The Onion? Maybe we should make a seperate column for humor, what does everyone think?
not fair
29 Oct 2001
This satire, although funny and right on in some respects,
is unfair to the ACLU. If you check their press releases
you find they have been very active and vocal about
the unlawful detention of over the 'suspects' of Sept. 11.

The INS are pigdogs, but the ACLU are great, I've become
a big fan.