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News ::
16 Jun 2002
Modified: 09:11:35 AM


John Chuckman

It may have something to do with a life spent scowling, years of squeezing facial muscles and lips so tightly the skin comes to resemble cracked swollen grapes. It may relate to the hemorrhoid-inducing strains of bad potty training, although research is unclear as to whether this is a cause or an effect. "Not sparing the rod" may play a role - you can't look into the hard-boiled-egg face of Second-Lady, Lynne Cheney, without thinking about Sam Spade slapping around uncooperative witnesses. But I wouldn't insist on the point. Her face may just reflect explosively-high blood pressure. Or an abnormally large spleen.

There may be a genetic basis for many of the large divisions of human nature - not for all the details and refinements, but for the basic dichotomies, such as optimism and pessimism, open to new ideas or close-minded, generous or greedy, smiling or sour, peaceful or violent. I certainly don't know this to be the case, but it seems a plausible hypothesis.

So I do think it possible there is a genetic basis for Republicanism. It is difficult otherwise to explain why the same mix of traits turns up over and over - greedy, narrow, sour, and lacking in humor, always excepting for the kind of sophomoric stuff mumbled and stumbled over by a pretzel-challenged President.

Whatever the cause, it is an easily confirmed observation that Republicans have no sense of humor. I'm sure there are readers - especially the ones that send me notes advising that J.K. Rowling is a pseudonym of Beelzebub - now thinking, "Then how do you explain Rush Limbaugh?"

Well, this just proves my point. If that is your idea of a sense of humor, you have none. The words of "Naziism with a Friendly Face," as Rush is warmly known to closeted Hitler-Jugend and aspiring pimply-faced predator-entrepreneurs across the United States, provide a sure test for lack of humor. If he makes you laugh, you have a problem. Or, rather, the country has a problem if there are enough of you.

If Republicans had a sense of humor, they'd laugh their own leadership off the platform. The party's Washington mob could be the cast of extras from one of those old Hammer Studio horror films with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. Scary, ugly and dopey - all at the same time.

Strom "The Living Corpse" Thurmond: It is reliably reported that a Senate page is assigned, full time, to yank sash cords from a secret room in the Senate basement that run up Strom's pants, attach to his jaw, and make his mouth move. Strom is no dummy though, having been granted several honorary degrees from Bob Jones University

Tom "The Roach Exterminator" DeLay: Here is a man who almost certainly ingested too much rat and roach powder while working as a pest exterminator in Texas, the kind of entrepreneurial experience deemed, in that neck of the woods, as fully qualifying you for a career in national politics. Tom fancies himself a Constitutional scholar though, always carrying a folded-up copy of the sacred text in his back pocket and showing some adeptness at its interpretation. The only trouble is it's the Constitution of the Confederate States of America.

Trent "Prancey Boy" Lott (a.k.a. "Big Hair"): This former star agricultural-college cheerleader still performs at private benefits on behalf of the George Wallace Memorial Chapter for the Preservation of our Glorious Confederate Heritage. If you want to catch him going through his moves, book early - they're always sell-out crowds.

Dennis "The Crusher" Hastert: Nick-named in recognition of his tireless efforts on behalf of election-finance reform as well as his remarkable resemblance to one of those WWF plastic dolls, a man said by some to suffer from extended exposure to crop dusting in southern Illinois.

And that barely scratches the surface for miserable, threadbare material in the Republican Party.

We have Jesse "Don't Tread on Me" Helms: He represents the one known species of viper that weird Carolina fundamentalists avoid using in their snake-handling acts.

Newt "Hydrophobia" Gingrich: Almost resembling a very large Kewpie doll in a business suit, Newt seems quite innocuous until he displays his piranha-like smile and suddenly strikes with rows of glittering razor-teeth. The Beanie Baby version of Newt has been declared hazardous for children.

Phil "As my ol' Mama said, 'Some gotta clim' down outta the wagon…' " Gramm. This guy's failure to put together a wad of dough as big as the one that made Bush president, spared generations of school kids from memorizing mind-numbing quotes off the sides of a giant marble wagon in Washington.

Bob "The U.S. government's running a damned concentration camp down there in Washington, an' they got Elian locked up in it!" Smith. Smith does have a certain gentility, earning him the epithet, "New England's Own Big Bubba." Big Bubba's career heroic moment was quitting the party, not for anything so unrewarding as principle, but so he could be lured back with a committee position. His feat of crawling back to Washington over the rocky New England landscape is the stuff of Republican legend.

Bob "I want Ron and Nancy stuffed and put in the permanent collection at the Smithsonian!" Barr. The acerbic Barr has a tender side, he has been known to weep openly at the sight of a bowl of jelly beans. Former associates at the CIA still affectionately refer to him as the Agency's Nincompoop Quota.

Henry "The Two-Ton Hypocrite" Hyde. Well, at least Bush's "youthful indiscretions" stopped, instead of starting, at forty. Hyde, a consummate ham actor, gave his most memorable performance in the role of noble, white-maned statesman heroically struggling against the forces of reason, good sense, and good taste to cast down an elected President over a dribble on a dress. In his own mind, he was repeating the magic of Charles Laughton in Advise and Consent.

And, we have a new star in the Republican firmament since September 11, John "Speaks in Tongues" Ashcroft. Here is today's indispensable man. In the course of years rolling around on the dirt floors of revival tents in Missouri, blubbering incomprehensibly, he gained immense insight into fundamentalist financial networks that he now applies to the damned heathen fundamentalists who believe the wrong fundamentals.

Of course, with a party that doesn't think there should be a government - just a contracted-out private army with an unlimited budget for weapons from Fortune 500 companies plus a secret-police network whose computers hook-up to every home (this last is a self-funded scheme from the sale to corporations of the greatest stash of intimate, personal marketing data ever assembled) - such ballot choices are not terribly surprising. But still, even this partial roll call provides powerful evidence of a complete lack of humor.

Just as I was about to complete this important piece of investigative journalism, the following item came in on the wire from a large Eastern research facility. I believe
it requires no additional comment.


Important new research has made a startling discovery.
Autopsies on the brains of hundreds of cadavers have revealed that
the vestigial bit of reptilian brain long known to exist in all humans
is three times larger than normal in Republicans.

Preliminary follow-up work with MRIs on living Republicans not
only confirms the finding but indicates a dominate role in many
of their brain functions.
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Do You Mean Republicrats?
16 Jun 2002
We have yet to notice any difference between Republicans and Democrats, nor even the "Communist Party" and NAZIs, all of whom are puppets manipulated by nice folks such as these:


Chantilly, Virginia, U.S.A.
30 May - 2 June 2002


Honorary Chairman
Davignon, Etienne
Vice Chairman, Société Générale de Belgique

INT Wolfensohn, James D. - President, The World Bank

USA Deutch, John M. - Institute Professor, MIT, ex-CIA Director and a Director of Citibank (contact: MIT Room 6-208
77 Mass Ave, Cambridge, MA 02139, 617-253-1479, Fax: 617-258-5700, jmd (at)

USA Allaire, Paul A. - Former Chairman and CEO, Xerox Corporation

CDN Baillie, A. Charles - Chairman and CEO, TD Bank Financial Group

GB Balls, Edward - Chief Economic Advisor to the Treasury

P Balsemăo, Francisco Pinto - Professor of Communication Science, New University, Lisbon; Chairman of IMPRESA, S.G.P.S.

F Belot, Jean de - Editor-in-Chief, Le Figaro

USA Bergsten, C. Fred - Director, Institute for International Economics

N Bernander, John G. - Director General, Norwegian Broadcasting Corporation

CDN Black, Conrad M. - Chairman, Telegraph Group Ltd.

INT Bolkestein, Frits - Commissioner, European Commission

P Borges, António - Vice Chairman and Managing Director, Goldman Sachs

USA Boyd, Charles G. - President and CEO, Business Executives for National Security

F Castries, Henri de - Chairman of the Board, AXA

E Cebrián, Juan Luis - CEO, Prisa (El Pais)

F Collomb, Bertrand - Chairman and CEO, Lafarge

CH Couchepin, Pascal - Federal Councillor; Head of the Federal Department of Economic Affairs

GB Dahrendorf, Ralf - Member, House of Lords; Former Warden, St. Antony's College, Oxford

USA Dam, Kenneth W. - Deputy Secretary, US Department of Treasury

GR David, George A. - Chairman of the Board, Coca-Cola H.B.C. S.A.

USA David-Weill, Michel A. - Chairman, Lazard Frčres & Co.

TR Dervis, Kemal - Minister of Economic Affairs

USA Dinh, Viet D. Assistant Attorney General for Office of Policy Development

USA Donilon, Thomas E. - Executive Vice President, Fannie Mae

I Draghi, Mario - Vice Chairman and Managing Director, Goldman Sachs International

USA Eizenstat, Stuart - Covington & Burling

DK Eldrup, Anders - Chairman of the Board of Directors, Danish Oil & Gas Consortium

USA Feldstein, Martin S. - President and CEO, NAtional Bureau of Economic Research

P Ferreira, Elisa Guimarăes - Member of Parliament, Former Minister of Planning

USA Foley, Thomas S. - Partner, Akin, Gump, Strauss, Hauer & Feld

INT Fortescue, Adrian - Director General, Justice and Internal Affairs, European Commission

CDN Frum, David - American Enterprise Institute; Former Special Assistant to President Bush

F Gergorin, Jean-Louis - Executive Vice President, Strategic Coordination, EADS

USA Gigot, Paul A. - Editorial Page Editor, The Wall Street Journal

USA Greenspan, Alan - Chairman, Federal Reserve System

NL Groenink, Rijkman W.J. - Chairman of the Board, ABN AMRO Bank N.V.

A Gusenbauer, Alfred - Member of Parliament; Chairman, Social Democratic Party

NL Halberstadt, Victor - Professor of Economics, Leiden University; Former Honorary Secretary General of Bilderberg Meetings

USA Hills, Carla A. - Chairman and CEO, Hills & Company, International Consultants

USA Hoagland, Jim - Associate Editor, The Washington Post

USA Hubbard, Allan B. - President, E&A Industries

USA Hutchison, Kay Bailey - Senator (Republican, Texas)

B Huyghebaert, Jan - Chairman, Almanij N.V.

D Ischinger, Wolfgang - Ambassador to the US

USA James, Charles A. - Assistant Attorney General for Antitrust

USA Johnson, James A. - Vice Chairman, Perseus, L.L.C.

USA Jordan, Jr., Vernon E. - Managing Director, Lazard Frčres & Co. LLC

USA Kissinger, Henry A. - Chairman, Kissinger Associates, Inc.

NL Kist, Ewald - Chairman of the Board ING N.V.

NL Kleisterlee, Gerard J. - President and CEO, Royal Philips Elecronics

D Kopper, Hilmar - Chairman of the Supervisory Board, Deutsche Bank AG

USA Krauthammer, Charles - Columnist, The Washington Post

USA Kravis, Henry R. - Founding Partner, Kohlberg Kravis Roberts & Co.

USA Kravis, Marie-Josée - Senior Fellow - Hudson Institute Inc.

CH Kudelski, André - Chairman of the Board & CEO, Kudelski Group

USA LaFalce, John J. - Congressman (Democrat, New York)

USA Leschly, Jan - Chairman & CEO, Care Capital LLC

F Lévy-Lang, André - Former Chairman, Paribas

B Lippens, Maurice - Chairman, Fortis

USA Mathews, Jessica T. - President, Carnegie Endowment for International Peace

USA McAuliffe, Terry - Chairman, Democratic National Committee

USA McDonough, William J. - President and CEO, Federal Reserve Bank of New York

E Miguel, Ramón de - Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs

USA Mitchell, Andrea - Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondant, NBC News

F Moďsi, Dominique - Deputy Director, French Institute of International Relations

F Montbrial, Thierry de - Director, French Institute of International Relations

USA Moskow, Michael H. - President, Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago

N Myklebust, Egil - Chairman, Norsk Hydro ASA

FIN Ollia, Jorma - Chairman of the Board and CEO, Nokia Corporation

TR Özaydinlí, Bulend - CEO, Koç Holding A.S.

INT Padoa-Schioppa, Tommaso - Member of the Executive Board, European Central Bank

GR Papahelas, Alexis - Foreign policy columnist. TO VIMA

USA Pearl, Frank H. - Chairman and CEO, Perseus, L.L.C.

USA Perle, Richard N. - Resident Fellow, American Enterprise Institute for Public Policy Research

D Polenz, Ruprecht - Member of Parliament, CDU/CSU

USA Prestowitz, Jr., Clyde V. - President, Economic Strategy Institute

USA Racicot, Mark - Chairman, Republican National Committee

USA Raines, Franklin D. - Chairman and CEO, Fannie Mae

A Randa, Gerhard - Chairman and CEO, Bank Austria AG

USA Rattner, Steven - Managing Principal, Quadrangle Group LLC

CDN Reisman, Heather - President and CEO, Indigo Books and Music Inc.

USA Rockefeller, David - Member, JP Morgan International Council

E Rodriguez Inciarte, Matías - Executive Vice Chairman, Banco Santander Central Hispano

GB Roll, Eric - Senior Adviser, UBS Warburg Ltd.

USA Rose, Charlie - Producer, Rose Communications

F Roy, Olivier - University Professor and Researcher, CNRS

USA Rumsfeld, Donald H. - Secretary of Defense

TR Sanberk, Özdem - Director, Turkish Economic and Social Studies Foundation

D Schrempp, Jurgen E. - Chairman of the Board of Management, DaimlerChrysler AG

D Schulz, Ekkehard - Chairman, ThyssenKrupp AG

F Schweitzer, Louis - Chairman and CEO, Renault S.A.

DK Seidenfaden, Třger - Editor-in-Chief, Politiken

F Seilličre, Ernest-Antoine - Chairman and CEO, CGIP

RUS Shevtsova, Lilia - Senior Associate, Carnegie Moscow Center

USA Siegman, Henry - Council on Foreign Relations

USA Soros, George - Chairman, Soros Fund Management

USA Steinberg, James B. - Vice President and Director, Foreign Policy Studies Program

N Stoltenberg, Jens - Leader of the Opposition (Social Democratic Party)

USA Summers, Lawrence H. - President, Harvard University

IRL Sutherland, Peter D. - Chairman and Managing Director, Goldman Sachs International; Chairman BP Amoco

FIN Taxell, Christoffer - President and CEO, Partek Oyj

USA Thoman, G. Richard - Senior Advisor, Evercore Partners Inc.

USA Thornton, John L. - President and co-CEO, The Goldman Sachs Group Inc.

FIN Tiilikainen, Teija H. - Director of Research, Centre for European Studies

S Treschow, Michael - Chairman, Ericsson

F Trichet, Jean-Claude - Governor, Banque de France

CH Vasella, Daniel L. - Chairman and CEO, Novartis AG

USA Vink, Lodewijk J. R. de - Chairman, Global Health Care Partners; Credit Suisse First Boston

A Vranitzky, Franz - Former Federal Chancellor

S Wallenberg, Jacob - Chairman of the Board, Skandinaviska Enskilda Banken

CDN Whyte, Kenneth - Editor, The National Post

GB Williams, Gareth - Leader, House of Lords; Member of the Cabinet

D Zumwinkel, Klaus - Chairman of the Board of Management, Deutsche Post AG

See also: